Zen-Mother

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3 movies have really resonated with me lately and made me start thinking long and hard about my life, where I want it to go, and where I have “failed” in a sense, thus far. For as long as I can remember I have been a movie buff. I like to read too but I like to read non-fiction mostly so my fictional needs have usually been met by movies.

The movies that have got me doing some thinking:

The Notebook: Yes I had to watch it again after my 10 hottest movie kisses post. The part that got me was the end…after the love between Allie and Noah creates a miracle and takes them away together at the same time. Sorry if you haven’t seen it, avert your eyes now - they die in their old age together at the exact same time and neither has to live without the other. In the end they had no regrets or wants. They lived their lives to the fullest, together, creating a family, and then living out their remaining days together. They weren’t sad about death…only the possibility that they might have to live…without their mate. In the end it shows birds flying away together and this kinda, sorta, leads you to believe it is them…flying away together. Remember Allie and Noah talking about being birds reincarnated in another life earlier in the movie?

So it got me thinking. No one knows exactly what happens after death. Yes we have beliefs or faith maybe but no concrete proof. Maybe…just maybe…all we have is NOW. If that is the case are we happy with our paths thus far? I think Noah and Allie were but I am sadly NOT. If I were to die tomorrow I think I wasted a lot of my time and I didn’t pursue the things that I REALLY wanted and I honestly think that has alot to do with the religion I grew up with. I am gratfeul for many things that I was taught but many are common sense issues really. I also grew up thinking all the things I wanted in life, my personal interests,  were to be ignored because God came first.

So you want to play sports because it makes you happy? NO…that teaches competition and you might start to think too much of yourself. So you want to go to college and be an anthropologist? NO…that is not a sensible career because it would mean studying other belief systems that contradict your own. Never mind the fact that if something really is TRUTH…you can poke holes all you want….real truth will remain real truth. My parents and I gave up our dreams because we wanted to be good Christians. So you want to travel the world solo or with your boyfriend before you settle down? NO much more sensible to marry immediately, get a job, have kids, and devote your life to God. UNLESS you want to travel the world as missionary…that is pretty much the only acceptable reason to devote any considerable amount of time to travel. Now here I am wondering what my life could have been if I had just followed my heart…and my mind…an ignored the scriptural interpretation of religious leaders who, in case you were wondering, preached “works based salvation”…which means salvation is not a gift…it is something you need to earn every second of your life or the rug will be pulled from under you. AND here is the kicker…MEN in the “church” get to decide if you are worthy of salvation and reward or punish you appropriately.

But now you may be wondering what this has to do with the Notebook….regrets. Noah and Allie didn’t have any because they lived life on their terms and no one else’s.

I am 30 years old now and for 22ish years I lived my life to please other men…who felt it was their divine right to stand in judgement of me and make me think I was never good enough. And for the last 7ish years I have been kinda lost without them. Like an abused child who can’t stand up to the abusive parent. Oh yes, I have regrets.

Okay enough on that…movie number 2: P.S. I Love You. If you haven’t seen this you really are missing an important movie. In the very beginning, the characters Holly and Gerry, are fighting. Gerry wants to start a family and Holly does not. She feels like they need to have more money, a bigger apartment, better jobs, etc. before they can have a family or even really be happy. She says she feels like she is waiting for her life to begin. It has to be pretty darn near perfect before she can be happy and content. WOW! That is totally me…constantly putting my life and dreams on hold until every piece is in place….perfect. I seriously make goals every New Year’s and say this is the year…this is the year everything goes my way and my life begins…I just need for this HUGE laundry list of things to fall into place first. THEN my life will begin…at 30 my life will begin…or so I said this past New Year.

Holly has the same problem I have except her hubby died a few shorts months after that fight scene (brain tumor) and she realized that she really robbed herself of the happiness she could have had all those years. She never planned on not having enough time. Few of us do.

I guess this just really hit me hard as I realize that nothing has changed since my hubby came home about 5 months ago from a job that took him away all but 4-5 days a month. Now he is physically in the same time zone but working long hours so that yet again I sleep alone most nights and I am still the kids only caregiver. When he is home, he is sleeping. I have no social life to speak of unless catching a late night movie with my 7 year old counts. I desperately wanted to go to Blogher Con this year in San Francisco (one of my fave cities) but his weirdo schedule and lack of other suitable care for the kids prevented me. This is NOT the life I wanted. Will I do anything about it though or will I just wait…until I can say when I am 40…this is not the life I wanted.

No don’t get me wrong. I love my hubby, I love my kids, I love what I do professionally but I still wanted more out of this life. It is about time I either go out and DO IT or I accept what I have and be genuinely happy with it. If this life is all that I have… I am wasting it.

And finally the third movie…Wanted with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. The movie follows the journey of a geeky office worker grunt who ends up becoming a kick butt assassin. The last line in the movie is “This is me taking control of my life…what the f**k have you done lately!?”

Amen to that! I wanted to be able to look back in my old age and have plenty of opportunities to say I DID THAT! So far is just aint happening.

SO there you have it.

1. I have regrets

2. My life is in an extended stall pattern

3. My answer to what the f**k have you done lately!? is pretty unimpressive.

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I need a diaper cake for a baby shower. Do I make one? Do I buy one? DO I use disposables or cloth? So many questions and so many options in adorable baby gifts and specifically baby shower gifts. Since I live in a small town if I go to the ONE big store we have then duplicate gifts might be an issue. Guess I need to look online.

I am leaning towards maybe buying one…most moms are still using sposies. I found Lil Baby Cakes online, a place that makes diaper cakes and they are pretty cool looking. I love the 4 tier cake with little frogs and it is for a little girl which is perfect. It looks like you get diapers, a pink blankie, toys, and Burt’s Bees products. I just love Burt’s Bees and they are pretty safe and natural products…great for babies.

If they made that cake with cloth diapers it would rock! They also have cakes in a safari theme, a religious theme, a teddy bear theme, and a princess theme, among others. They also have gifts you can order and personalize. Looks like a great shop!

I am just wondering how shipping a diaper cakes works.

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I think many people would be surprised how many homeschooling and unschooling blogs I read…especially since I don’t homeschool. But I do think about schooling and education quite a bit and I like to read about how other families are handling it.

One of the major reasons that I don’t homeschool is because my kids want to attend an outside school. My 7 year old son LOVES school at the moment and despite the fact that I have discussed homeschooling with him he wants to go to public school. My daughter, who will turn 4 next month, has been begging for many months to be able to go to a school. Today I started researching preschools for her for next term or maybe even this one if allowed.

Public preschool is not an option because we live outside the district limits. My son attends a county school which is no problem at all because it is the #1 rated school and it has bus service. BUT there is no preschool program there so my daughter will have to attend a private preschool.

This presented two issues for consideration. I had to make sure that the private schools would allow a non vaccinated child…so far so good. The other issue is that BOTH preschools have a faith based curriculum and are in fact inside churches. One is a Methodist church and the other is a Nazarene Christian church. This is an issue for me because my kids have been raised up until this point with minimal religious education or exposure, despite the fact that my husband and I both have a very religious background and upbringing. I also have no idea what each of these churches believes as far as doctrine is concerned.

They wouldn’t be learning about religion necessarily but they would be exposed to things like prayer and faith based morality. So I am not sure if I should even care. I have much to think about I guess but first I need to tour both of these schools. One of them has a constant access webcam so that is a big plus but they are pretty similar in price and proximity.

One of the public preschool programs within the city hinted that I might be able to fudge my way into their program if I bring them a piece of mail with a city address on it (even though it wouldn’t be mine). That doesn’t feel right to me though. Because it would be lying and also because the spots are limited and I would hate for my child to get accepted into a state funded program while another child whose parents can’t afford a private school gets passed over.

Oh well ….much too think about.

My oldest will also likely be attending some art classes on the weekend held at a historical playhouse. He is REALLY looking forward to that. I just hope we have nice weather because I HATE driving on icy roads!

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I had a blast from the past today. I was posting to my newly re-vamped (pun intended) fan site for Alex O’Loughlin the vampire P.I from Moonlight. I was posting a video that shows the original cast of Moonlight which at first glance, I thought included Patrick Bauchau….he is Archon Raine from Kindred the Embraced…a vampire TV show I LOVED in the late nineties. Thinking about that show got me thinking about the shows lead, Mark Frankel, who died before a second season could be filmed. I was devastated when he died. I remember crying my eyeballs out over how such a young, talented light was just snuffed out. He left behind two little boys…one of whom he never got to meet.

Anyway after a search for any sites dedicated to the show I ran across a Wikipedia explanation of the show, which brought me to the Mark Frankel fan club that was set up after his death to honor his life. Just for kicks I clicked on Membership and there glaring at me, right smack in the middle of the page is my name  (maiden) on the membership roster. I don’t even remember signing up for it so I guess I have been a terrible member.

So let me take a second to remember Mark…I will never forget….

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