Zen-Mother

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3 movies have really resonated with me lately and made me start thinking long and hard about my life, where I want it to go, and where I have “failed” in a sense, thus far. For as long as I can remember I have been a movie buff. I like to read too but I like to read non-fiction mostly so my fictional needs have usually been met by movies.

The movies that have got me doing some thinking:

The Notebook: Yes I had to watch it again after my 10 hottest movie kisses post. The part that got me was the end…after the love between Allie and Noah creates a miracle and takes them away together at the same time. Sorry if you haven’t seen it, avert your eyes now - they die in their old age together at the exact same time and neither has to live without the other. In the end they had no regrets or wants. They lived their lives to the fullest, together, creating a family, and then living out their remaining days together. They weren’t sad about death…only the possibility that they might have to live…without their mate. In the end it shows birds flying away together and this kinda, sorta, leads you to believe it is them…flying away together. Remember Allie and Noah talking about being birds reincarnated in another life earlier in the movie?

So it got me thinking. No one knows exactly what happens after death. Yes we have beliefs or faith maybe but no concrete proof. Maybe…just maybe…all we have is NOW. If that is the case are we happy with our paths thus far? I think Noah and Allie were but I am sadly NOT. If I were to die tomorrow I think I wasted a lot of my time and I didn’t pursue the things that I REALLY wanted and I honestly think that has alot to do with the religion I grew up with. I am gratfeul for many things that I was taught but many are common sense issues really. I also grew up thinking all the things I wanted in life, my personal interests,  were to be ignored because God came first.

So you want to play sports because it makes you happy? NO…that teaches competition and you might start to think too much of yourself. So you want to go to college and be an anthropologist? NO…that is not a sensible career because it would mean studying other belief systems that contradict your own. Never mind the fact that if something really is TRUTH…you can poke holes all you want….real truth will remain real truth. My parents and I gave up our dreams because we wanted to be good Christians. So you want to travel the world solo or with your boyfriend before you settle down? NO much more sensible to marry immediately, get a job, have kids, and devote your life to God. UNLESS you want to travel the world as missionary…that is pretty much the only acceptable reason to devote any considerable amount of time to travel. Now here I am wondering what my life could have been if I had just followed my heart…and my mind…an ignored the scriptural interpretation of religious leaders who, in case you were wondering, preached “works based salvation”…which means salvation is not a gift…it is something you need to earn every second of your life or the rug will be pulled from under you. AND here is the kicker…MEN in the “church” get to decide if you are worthy of salvation and reward or punish you appropriately.

But now you may be wondering what this has to do with the Notebook….regrets. Noah and Allie didn’t have any because they lived life on their terms and no one else’s.

I am 30 years old now and for 22ish years I lived my life to please other men…who felt it was their divine right to stand in judgement of me and make me think I was never good enough. And for the last 7ish years I have been kinda lost without them. Like an abused child who can’t stand up to the abusive parent. Oh yes, I have regrets.

Okay enough on that…movie number 2: P.S. I Love You. If you haven’t seen this you really are missing an important movie. In the very beginning, the characters Holly and Gerry, are fighting. Gerry wants to start a family and Holly does not. She feels like they need to have more money, a bigger apartment, better jobs, etc. before they can have a family or even really be happy. She says she feels like she is waiting for her life to begin. It has to be pretty darn near perfect before she can be happy and content. WOW! That is totally me…constantly putting my life and dreams on hold until every piece is in place….perfect. I seriously make goals every New Year’s and say this is the year…this is the year everything goes my way and my life begins…I just need for this HUGE laundry list of things to fall into place first. THEN my life will begin…at 30 my life will begin…or so I said this past New Year.

Holly has the same problem I have except her hubby died a few shorts months after that fight scene (brain tumor) and she realized that she really robbed herself of the happiness she could have had all those years. She never planned on not having enough time. Few of us do.

I guess this just really hit me hard as I realize that nothing has changed since my hubby came home about 5 months ago from a job that took him away all but 4-5 days a month. Now he is physically in the same time zone but working long hours so that yet again I sleep alone most nights and I am still the kids only caregiver. When he is home, he is sleeping. I have no social life to speak of unless catching a late night movie with my 7 year old counts. I desperately wanted to go to Blogher Con this year in San Francisco (one of my fave cities) but his weirdo schedule and lack of other suitable care for the kids prevented me. This is NOT the life I wanted. Will I do anything about it though or will I just wait…until I can say when I am 40…this is not the life I wanted.

No don’t get me wrong. I love my hubby, I love my kids, I love what I do professionally but I still wanted more out of this life. It is about time I either go out and DO IT or I accept what I have and be genuinely happy with it. If this life is all that I have… I am wasting it.

And finally the third movie…Wanted with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. The movie follows the journey of a geeky office worker grunt who ends up becoming a kick butt assassin. The last line in the movie is “This is me taking control of my life…what the f**k have you done lately!?”

Amen to that! I wanted to be able to look back in my old age and have plenty of opportunities to say I DID THAT! So far is just aint happening.

SO there you have it.

1. I have regrets

2. My life is in an extended stall pattern

3. My answer to what the f**k have you done lately!? is pretty unimpressive.

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I love the fact that there is a picture of the earth on one side and a yin-yang (balance) on the other. How fitting! 

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

As seen on on Brit Blaise’s Blog

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 I just love Jane Austen’s books and many of the movies made from them. My favorite is Sense and Sensibility followed by Pride and Prejudice. Which Jane Austen Heroine are you? I am :: E L I N O R ::

You are Elinor Dashwood of Sense & Sensibility! You are practical, circumspect, and discreet. Though you are tremendously sensible and allow your head to rule, you have a deep, emotional side that few people often see.  

Take the Quiz here!

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Here is a video for my favorite TV show right now set to the theme song for it. I LOVE this show and I will go into a spiral of depression if it gets cancelled after this first season.

Okay…I am joking…but only a little. I have this weird habit of loving shows where the leading character is a dead ringer for my hubby…and they have some mannerisms that are the same as well…this cute eyebrow thing and a love for uh…um…showering (see video). It is is just too awesome that I can buy all the episodes from iTunes….muwhaww.

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I am a BIG movie buff and I also like the original programming on cable and some TV shows too. Recently I ugraded my basic cable to inlcude HBO (can’t miss Big Love), Showtime (can’t do without Californication), Cinemax, Stars, and Encore. You don’t even want to know what my cable bill looks like, LOL. Those Verizon sales people are really good…they almost talked me into a 30 channel sports package and I don’t even watch sports.

For the past week or so though I have been catching up on my favorite TV shows by watching the season on DVD. The first that I watched was Heroes. I tried watching this show when it first started but I was bored and didn’t keep watching. The I overhear some people talking about the plot and I felt I had to give it another try and again…I found the beginning boring. But then after the first disc..it got good…REALLY good. In nature it has been shown that when a species get into trouble some of them learn to adapt and evolve so that the species does not die out. The basic premis of Heroes is that the human race is in trouble and certain individuals contain the genetic markers needed to adapt and evolve and they develop super human abilities. There is a politician that can fly, a cheerleader that can regenerate, a police officer than can read thoughts, a thief that can walk through walls, an invisible man, and many others inlcuding my personal favorite…the hot, male nurse….Peter Petrelli that can absorb the abilities of any other heroe he comes into contact with. The new season started 2 days ago and I am recording it via TiVo.

After Heros I jumped into another series. If you are wondering when I watch all these, it is after my kids are in bed from about 10:00 to 1:00ish. I usually watch one disc every night. Right now I am watching season six of Smalleville. I have seen 75% of them already but I missed a few key episodes…especially the ones where the Justice League is formed. I tell ya…that Green Arrow is almost as cute as Superman.

So what are you watching?

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This is a my first official blog post. It feels so monumental that I am even a bit scared writing it. Wish I could start with the second post. I will start out by introducing myself and my family so here goes….This all about the Zen-Mother, Fumble Rocko, the Hunky Trucker, and the Little Princess.

My name is Tiffany, aka mom. I am in my late twenties and I have two online businesses that keep me busy - that and my two kids of course. I worked in corporate marketing and public relations for several years before I decided to quit and pursue cloth diapers. Hmmm…. that even sounds crazy writing it out. No I didn’t have a mental breakdown, I decided to carve out a more zen-like niche in the world, for me and my own, and I think I have started down the right path. I am less stressed, more peaceful, and spending more time with my children.

I have been married for almost 8 years to my hubby Jarod. He is a truck driver/trainer for Werner Enterprises. He trains students to drive 18-Wheelers and his job takes him to 48 states and Canada on a regular basis. Thank goodness for cell phones and family and friends plans through Verizon because we burn up the newtork.

We have a 4 year old son named Payton. Just this week though he has informed me that he changed his name to Fumble Rocko. How can I argue with this individuality? Fumble Rocko it is, until he tells me otherwise Anyway, Mr. Rocko is quite a handful. Terms like hyperactive just don’t cover it. He also knows how to push my buttons like no ther man on this planet. This morning he exercised every fiber of “calmness” I had by pouring my VERY expensive mail order skin care products down the sink….to clean it. Last week it was coffee on the laptop. This boy keeps me hopping.

On the flip side of the coin is my daughter Paige. She is a cool, calm little girl of 1 year. Paige is a little princess that loves dresses, Barbie dolls, and shoes (yes already). She has a favorite pair of pink strappy sandals that she can’t go anywhere without. They even have a tiny little heel! She reminds me of Carrie from Sex in the City and her love of all things Manolo. She does NOT take after me in this regard. I can barely be concerned with making sure my shoes match. I have 4-5 pairs of flip-flops and that is the exent of my shoe collection. But wait…some have stripes, and some have beads, and some light up when you step! So I am not as dreadfully boring as I may sound…really I am not.

We all live in Phoenix, Arizona but I hope to move somewhere (anywhere) else very soon. Mother nature kicks my butt here with her 115 degree summer temperatures. And summer lasts 9 months a year in Phoenix despite the fact that other states actually have things called seasons. I love traveling because it gives me opportunity to leave Arizona and search for the place that will feel like home. I am planning a cross country driving trip now.

Well, that’s my intro and my first post. I am glad that is over…wiping sweat off brow.

Take Care,

Zen Mother

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