Zen-Mother

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3 movies have really resonated with me lately and made me start thinking long and hard about my life, where I want it to go, and where I have “failed” in a sense, thus far. For as long as I can remember I have been a movie buff. I like to read too but I like to read non-fiction mostly so my fictional needs have usually been met by movies.

The movies that have got me doing some thinking:

The Notebook: Yes I had to watch it again after my 10 hottest movie kisses post. The part that got me was the end…after the love between Allie and Noah creates a miracle and takes them away together at the same time. Sorry if you haven’t seen it, avert your eyes now - they die in their old age together at the exact same time and neither has to live without the other. In the end they had no regrets or wants. They lived their lives to the fullest, together, creating a family, and then living out their remaining days together. They weren’t sad about death…only the possibility that they might have to live…without their mate. In the end it shows birds flying away together and this kinda, sorta, leads you to believe it is them…flying away together. Remember Allie and Noah talking about being birds reincarnated in another life earlier in the movie?

So it got me thinking. No one knows exactly what happens after death. Yes we have beliefs or faith maybe but no concrete proof. Maybe…just maybe…all we have is NOW. If that is the case are we happy with our paths thus far? I think Noah and Allie were but I am sadly NOT. If I were to die tomorrow I think I wasted a lot of my time and I didn’t pursue the things that I REALLY wanted and I honestly think that has alot to do with the religion I grew up with. I am gratfeul for many things that I was taught but many are common sense issues really. I also grew up thinking all the things I wanted in life, my personal interests,  were to be ignored because God came first.

So you want to play sports because it makes you happy? NO…that teaches competition and you might start to think too much of yourself. So you want to go to college and be an anthropologist? NO…that is not a sensible career because it would mean studying other belief systems that contradict your own. Never mind the fact that if something really is TRUTH…you can poke holes all you want….real truth will remain real truth. My parents and I gave up our dreams because we wanted to be good Christians. So you want to travel the world solo or with your boyfriend before you settle down? NO much more sensible to marry immediately, get a job, have kids, and devote your life to God. UNLESS you want to travel the world as missionary…that is pretty much the only acceptable reason to devote any considerable amount of time to travel. Now here I am wondering what my life could have been if I had just followed my heart…and my mind…an ignored the scriptural interpretation of religious leaders who, in case you were wondering, preached “works based salvation”…which means salvation is not a gift…it is something you need to earn every second of your life or the rug will be pulled from under you. AND here is the kicker…MEN in the “church” get to decide if you are worthy of salvation and reward or punish you appropriately.

But now you may be wondering what this has to do with the Notebook….regrets. Noah and Allie didn’t have any because they lived life on their terms and no one else’s.

I am 30 years old now and for 22ish years I lived my life to please other men…who felt it was their divine right to stand in judgement of me and make me think I was never good enough. And for the last 7ish years I have been kinda lost without them. Like an abused child who can’t stand up to the abusive parent. Oh yes, I have regrets.

Okay enough on that…movie number 2: P.S. I Love You. If you haven’t seen this you really are missing an important movie. In the very beginning, the characters Holly and Gerry, are fighting. Gerry wants to start a family and Holly does not. She feels like they need to have more money, a bigger apartment, better jobs, etc. before they can have a family or even really be happy. She says she feels like she is waiting for her life to begin. It has to be pretty darn near perfect before she can be happy and content. WOW! That is totally me…constantly putting my life and dreams on hold until every piece is in place….perfect. I seriously make goals every New Year’s and say this is the year…this is the year everything goes my way and my life begins…I just need for this HUGE laundry list of things to fall into place first. THEN my life will begin…at 30 my life will begin…or so I said this past New Year.

Holly has the same problem I have except her hubby died a few shorts months after that fight scene (brain tumor) and she realized that she really robbed herself of the happiness she could have had all those years. She never planned on not having enough time. Few of us do.

I guess this just really hit me hard as I realize that nothing has changed since my hubby came home about 5 months ago from a job that took him away all but 4-5 days a month. Now he is physically in the same time zone but working long hours so that yet again I sleep alone most nights and I am still the kids only caregiver. When he is home, he is sleeping. I have no social life to speak of unless catching a late night movie with my 7 year old counts. I desperately wanted to go to Blogher Con this year in San Francisco (one of my fave cities) but his weirdo schedule and lack of other suitable care for the kids prevented me. This is NOT the life I wanted. Will I do anything about it though or will I just wait…until I can say when I am 40…this is not the life I wanted.

No don’t get me wrong. I love my hubby, I love my kids, I love what I do professionally but I still wanted more out of this life. It is about time I either go out and DO IT or I accept what I have and be genuinely happy with it. If this life is all that I have… I am wasting it.

And finally the third movie…Wanted with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. The movie follows the journey of a geeky office worker grunt who ends up becoming a kick butt assassin. The last line in the movie is “This is me taking control of my life…what the f**k have you done lately!?”

Amen to that! I wanted to be able to look back in my old age and have plenty of opportunities to say I DID THAT! So far is just aint happening.

SO there you have it.

1. I have regrets

2. My life is in an extended stall pattern

3. My answer to what the f**k have you done lately!? is pretty unimpressive.

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